This is Not a Bomb, I Promise
by My Name Is NOT Jessica
Summary: I got bored one day, so I started talking to Iggy. Next thing you know, there's an earthquake, some reviews, and another chapter. How did this happen? I don't know! It's Maximum Ride, it's random. What more could you want?
1. Earthquakes and Rice Noodles

**Most of you don't know that I've kidnapped Iggy, but... I have. So today I was home alone & very bored and I started talking to Iggy. I end up hiding behind the couch a few times and I have to explain my fear of telephones and golf courses. Then there was a frickin EARTHQUAKE.**

**Note: All the events in this story are real: My fear of telephones and golf courses, the lack of food, the earthquake. It all happened. =)**

**Dissing the claim: I disclaim Maximum Ride. And Alice in Wonderland. Oh, and the song is "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! at the Disco. And I don't own 'A is for alibi', which is by Sue Grafton.**

Me: Iggy! Help! I'm home alone and the phone rang and you know how I'm afraid of telephones so I didn't pick up and the person left a message and I don't know who they are or what they're talking about so now I'm hiding behind the couch with the laptop!

Iggy: How much sugar have you had this morning?

Me: Oh. Well, um, my mom gave me a candy bar for breakfast….

Iggy: Is she out of her mind?

Me: Heck, she doesn't care how hyper I get! She's at work!

Iggy: But she left me to deal with you alone?

Me: She doesn't know you're here. =)

Iggy: So I've been living in the attic for what, a month now and she hasn't noticed?

Me: Well, she's at work all the time and my brother does nothing but play video games and my dad is at work even more than my mom so no one ever goes in the attic except me.

Iggy: The attic is dusty. And full of mice and those big unidentifiable hairy things that look like mice on steroids with huge claws.

Me: I remember those things. Kocha caught one once, before I kidnapped you. I came home from school and it was lying on the floor dead. I screamed. But I was home alone so no one came to save me from the dead thing.

Iggy: Last time I checked, dead things weren't a big threat to the populace.

Me: *Ignores* Now that the madman-on-the-answering-machine-threat is over, I'm rereading the Poetry Corner! YAAAAY! *Throws confetti around*

I have an idea! In the chapter where Fang takes over he posts questions that Saint wrote to him. I'll copy and paste the questions here and we can answer them!

Iggy: Yes, just how I want to spend my day. Answering questions.

Me: Never mind. It got boring so I deleted it.

Iggy: Now I've got Bon Jovi songs stuck in my head…

...

Iggy: Hellooo? Jessica? Where'd you go?

…

Iggy: Say something!

Well, it appears I'm alone. She either got on the other laptop, is hiding behind the couch again, went to her room to talk to other fictional characters, has her headphones on, is reading "A is for Alibi", is drawing something stupid and random or disappeared to go on another "adventure".

Me: *Singing along* So, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words!

Iggy: I write sins not tragedies?

Me: AHH! Don't talk to me about that bitch!

Iggy: What? Oh you mean... a certain unnamed writer on this site...

Me: The first and only person to flame me so far. I totally pwned her though, with my reply.

Iggy: She still hasn't written back.

Me: Probably 'cause she's too embarrassed 'cause my reply totally pwned her flame.

Iggy: True, true.

Me: Wellllllllllllllll I'm bored.

Iggy: Why do most of your sentences contain that phrase?

Me: Having the attention span of a goldfish might having something to do with it.

Iggy: I'm hungry.

Me: I'm bored.

Iggy: Good for you. I want food.

Me: Ha-ha, remember when we were watching Jim Gaffigan on the telly and he was talking about bacon?

Iggy: If you put bacon bits on bacon I bet you could travel back in time.

Me: Like a tasty vortex…

Iggy: Where's your brother, anyway? He usually cooks, right?

Me: *sigh* He's on the eighth grade trip to Darien Lake. I wish I could go. I lovest Darien Lake.

Iggy: I bet they have food there.

Me: I thought you were supposed to be a really good chef?

Iggy: I don't feel like cooking right now. I just want food.

Me: Meh. There might be somethin' in the fridge. I'll go check. *walks off*

…

Me: *Walks back in* There's rice noodles, water, carrot juice, nacho cheese and peanut butter.

Iggy: Fruit?

Me: *Sadly* No fruit.

Iggy: *Sad* Check the cupboards.

Me: 'Kay. *Walks off*

…

Me: *Comes back* Manicotti, orzo, and rice penne. Oh, and like, a billion boxes of tea.

Iggy: *Sarcasm* Great. We can have nacho-cheese filled manicotti with tea and carrot juice.

Me: *Thoughtfully* I wonder how that would turn out…

Iggy: Don't try it.

Me: I suppose we'll go lunchless today.

Iggy: I want corn chips and bacon.

Me: I want scalloped potatoes and strawberries.

Iggy: I want Gatorade and Snickers bars.

Me: I want cream soda and Fettuccini Alfredo.

Iggy: *Stomach rumbles*

Me: =(

Iggy: =(

Me: *Sigh* Guess what?

Iggy: What?

Me: I'm bored.

Iggy: You're always bored.

Me: I dreamed that I accidentally turned you into a sunflower.

Iggy: *Makes weirded out face*

Me: It all started when JpFreak dressed up as a ninja and killed Dylan…

Iggy: That sounds like a mixture of chapters 1 and 2 of Death To Dylan.

Me: Ha-ha, yeah… Guess what?

Iggy: What?

Me: I'm bored.

Iggy: No kidding.

Me: …Hey Iggy.

Iggy: What?

Me: Guess what?

Iggy: What?

Me: I'm—

Iggy: ENOUGH WITH THE BEING BORED ALREADY!

….

Me: Listen! What's that noise outside?

Iggy: *Listens* It sounds like a truck or a tractor…

Me: Or a black helicopter! *Hides behind couch again*

Iggy: That reminds me, why are you afraid of telephones anyway?

Me: Well, duh! Don't you know how easy it is for someone to tap onto your phone line and listen in on your conversation? Don't you know the government listens to phone calls for signs of people knowing more than they should?

Iggy: What, do you know all about area 51 or something?

Me: No, it just creeps me out that someone is always listening… That could be anyone listening in on your conversation! Like a murderer. Or a rapist. Or a stalker.

Iggy: Yes, because the government often hires murderers and rapists and stalkers. Why don't you like answering the telephone though?

Me: You never know who's on the other end…

Iggy: Okay, but tell me, what is so terrifying about golf courses?

Me: Well, once I was at a golf course, and it was really nice, like, in terms of a golf course, but you couldn't pay me to go back there.

Iggy: Why not?

Me: I got a bad feeling about it… there was something weird about that place.

Iggy: Like mutant weird? Alien weird? Paranormal weird? Brainwashing weird?

Me: No. Just… weird. But the brainwashing thing reminds me, I've been nominated to go to The Young Leaders Conference Thingy In Albany! *Confetti*

Iggy: Are you gonna go this year?

Me: I'm debating. It's cheaper than last year, but do I want to go? What if they're brainwashing people behind the scenes so they're all pro-government?

Iggy: I don't know. They could be.

Me: OW MY TOOTH FRICKIN HURTS!

Iggy: That was random.

Me: *Whimper* Ow… I'm in pain. I want Burger King.

Iggy: Are you gonna post this or not?

Me: I think I am. I'll add an author's note than post it later.

Iggy: I want cinnamon buns.

Me: I want fried chicken.

Iggy: STOP! No more speak of food! I'll die!

Me: You're right. Let's watch TV to get our minds off food.

Iggy: Okay.

Me: *Turns on TV*

*Food Network pops up*

Me and Iggy: AHHHHH!

Iggy: *Turns off TV*

Me: *Moans* I'm considering disgusting rice noodles…

Iggy: Yes. Rice…noodles…now…must…eat…before I… kick the bucket….

*Iggy and I walk off to get rice noodles*

INTERMISSION

*Iggy and I return carrying bowls of rice noodles*

*Suddenly the house starts creaking and moaning and builds up to a point where it's shaking*

Me: WHY IS THE HOUSE SHAKING?

Iggy: OMIGOD IT'S LITERALLY SHAKING!

Me: WE DON'T GET EARTHQUAKES HERE!

*House stops shaking*

Iggy: Holy. Crap. What was that?

Me: I don't know! There's never been an earthquake here before.

Iggy: The floor was literally _vibrating_.

Me: Jeezum, it's normal for the house to shift but it was SHAKING! FRICKIN SHAKING!

*Telephone rings*

Me: *Runs up and checks caller ID* It's my mom! *picks up phone*

One phone conversation later…

Me: *Hangs up* It WAS an earthquake!

Iggy: O_o

Me: Well, actually it was just tremors, but my mom felt it at her work an hour away!

Iggy: Wow that was my first earthquake…

Me: Mine too. I bet it'll be on CNN!

Iggy: It was freaky…

Me: Wow… the tectonic plates are shifting _right beneath our feet_…

Iggy: Holy crap.

Me: Yeah… *Freaked out* What if they're _warning_ tremors? What if an actual quake is on the way?

Iggy: If I can remember correctly from Science class, there aren't any places where plates meet near us, so there can't be an actual quake.

Me: But what if they've got it all wrong? What if there IS a place where plates meet under us and we're all gonna die?

Iggy: Reread what you just wrote.

Me: Oh. Um. Well, it looks like I'm overreacting again.

Iggy: Uh-huh.

Me: Let's watch Alice in Wonderland now! ^.^

Iggy: If your going to post this you should really add the Author's Notes now.

Me: You're right. BYE PEOPLE!

No wait, I don't like that ending.

ALTERNATE ENDING

By buy bye!

-MyNameIsNOTJessica and Iggy

**Oh em GEE people, look at this cute little button! It says 'review' on it. Isn't that just darling? *Gasp* I have an idea! Imagine if you clicked that adorable button...**


	2. The Chapter with No Name

Me: Igggyyyyyy!

Iggy: Whaaaaaaat?

Me: I'm not famous!

Iggy: No freaking way.

Me: So that means I can't have a Q&A chappie.

Iggy: No freaking duh.

Me: OR DOES IT?

Iggy: Who freaking cares?

Me: Me! I care! Me!

Iggy: Well I don't.

Me: I don't care that you don't care.

Iggy: I don't care that you don't care that I don't care.

Me: I don't care that you don't care that I don't care that you don't care.

Iggy: I don't care that you don't care that I don't care that you don't care that I don't care.

Me: IN ANY CASE...

Iggy: You're weird.

Me: Stop INTERRUPTING me!

Iggy: Why do you capitalize random words?

Me: Why was the emo I saw at the mall wearing a tuxedo? *Pause* Haha, googledocs doesn't think emo is a word.

Iggy: WHATEVER.

Me: Anyway, the point is, I want to have a Q&A chappie! I have a few followers, and they know how to press the question mark key. Figure it out!

Iggy: They won't ask you questions if you yell at them.

Me: You should tell Mr. Flynn that.

Iggy: They won't ask you questions if you don't explain things, either.

Me: Grumble. Mr. Flynn is my social studies teacher and he never uses a normal voice. He always yells. CONSTANTLY. Even if he's not mad. It's fuzzing ANNOYING.

...

Iggy: And she disappears again.

Me: Man, I fuzzing HATE Googledocs! IT'S SO JEB!

Iggy: Hey, wait a minute, I thought your laptop was dead?

Me: It is. I'm on my dad's laptop.

Iggy: Then how the fuzz are you gonna post this?

Me: *Shrugs* I don't know.

Iggy: *Facepalms* Excellent planning.

Me: Why, thank you!

Iggy: You're welcome!

Me: *Randomly* I WENT TO THE DAMN MALL TODAY!

Iggy: O-kaaay...

Me: I got some damn leather boots and got my damn emo hair trimmed and a damn salon but then the damn hairspray fumes made me high and schnit.

Iggy: What's up with all the "damn"s?

Me: Dunno. I'm feeling rebellious. School's back in so I want to dye my hair and wear leather and go around swearing my head off.

Iggy: Hey, what happened to Jeb?

Me: Ahem! Explanations for the unenlightened!

Iggy: Oh, right. Jessica adopted a zebra but then she started tried to swear over aim, and it trampled her, so it was like "WHAT THE FU-*Zebra*", so then it was her anti-swearing-thing but then it trampled her at random times so she named it Jeb 'cause it was unpredictable.

Me: More or less.

Iggy: Well? What happened to zebra-Jeb?

Me: I think a chipmunk ate it! Hahaha!

Iggy: Um... why do you think that?

Me: I'm a psychic! And, EHMAGAWD! I figured out a way to post this with out downloading!

Iggy: Whoop de fuzzing doo.

Me: Well, I have nothing more to say...

Iggy: Post this then.

Me: Okay! *Starts to click post button*

Iggy: WAIT!

Me: *Pause* What?

Iggy: Disclaimer!

Me: You do it.

Iggy: No! You said I didn't have to be the disclaimer boy!

Me: But then who's going to help me disclaim?

Iggy: I don't know, the damn tuxedo emo?

Me: Okay!

The Damn Tuxedo Emo: I AM A DISCLAIMIN' FOOL!

Me: Do your job!

The Damn Tuxedo Emo: SHE OWNS NOT MAXIMUM RIDE! HAHA! I AM IN A DAMN TUXEDO!

**'Kay, but seriously, I've been reading the fanfictions of the famous and I want to do a Q&A chapter. Send me your questions, no matter how stupid, even if there was no way I could possibly know the answer/what you're talking about. I'll google it. Or something. ALSO, I have writer's block and so I would be much obliged if you'd give me some prompts or topics or something to talk about. The next chapter might be a conversation I had with Cleverbot while I was roleplaying. (I had to make an OC for a roleplay character because everyone in the flock was taken, except Gazzy.)**

**So, anyway, REVIEW YOUR BUTTS OFF PEOPLE! AND DON'T BREATHE THE HAIRSPRAY! IT GIVES YOU A HEADACHE! AND DON'T GO IN A CHATROOM FOR SINGLES AND START TALKING ABOUT FISH TACOS! I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE! **

**(Psssst! jpfreak100! *Whispers* Block block block block bucket full of EMO!)**


	3. The First Q&A

Me: Yay! We got our first questions!

Iggy: Probably our only questions...

Me: Iggy, Iggy, Iggy. How many times do I have to tell you not to harsh my mellow?

Iggy: You've never told me not to harsh your mellow...

Me: LIES!

Iggy: Just read the damn questions!

For Jessica: "What's your fav food?" - dijah12

Me: Ummm... I do not know. Like, chocolate. But it gives me zits. =(

Iggy: That almost made you sound like a normal person.

Me: Ehmagawd! WEIRD!

"Fav flower?" - dijah12

Me: A tiger lily! It growled at me once!

"Fav color?" - dijah12

Me: That's, like, a trick question. Lime green, crimson, black, hot pink, electric blue, indigo, highlighter-yellow, and dark purple, to name a few.

"What type of music do you listen to?" - dijah12

Me: ROCK! Nu metal and whatnot. Linkin Park, Evanescence, Metallica, Avril Lavigne, The All-American Rejects, Train, System Of A Down and so on and so forth.

And now, questions for IGGY!

"Why must you be random?" -dijah12

Iggy: Why must you not be not random?

"Why don't you like the randomness?" -dijah12

Iggy: Whaaaat? I thought I was random?

"TACOS ARE GOOD!" -dijah12

Iggy: How true.

"Why must you fly?" -dijah12

Iggy: Blame the whitecoats.

Me: And a random thing for... both of us? I guess?

"I like it so far... sadly I can't think of a question. Oh why can't I think of a question? ...HEY that was a question!" -stabbythings

Me: I don't know, but cool name!

Iggy: I blame Jeb.

"Has Iggy ever freak-danced/grinded? If so, I would dance with him." -skamusic4

Me: ...

Iggy: ...

Me: ...

Iggy: ...

Me: NEXT!

Oh, gawd. It's my completely-insane-yet-hilarious-best-friend-for-nine-years, jpfreak100!

"Why is Fang emo?" -jpfreak100

Me: Because he has inner turmoil... or maybe that's because he's emo.

Iggy: I blame Jeb... Dylan... Ari... etc., etc.

"Are you emo?" -jpfreak100

Me: Half-ish...

"Am I emo?" -jpfreak100

Me: Why are we obsessed with emo?

"Is my hair emo?" -jpfreak100

Me: Yep. Just like mine, only DIFFERENT!

"Have I asked questions with the word 'emo' in them too much?" -jpfreak100

Me: Yes.

"How many questions total can I ask?" -jpfreak100

Me: 123,456,789 and two halves.

"Is emo considered a swear word in Mexico?" -jpfreak100

Me: How would I know? I am but a lowly sea cucumber.

"Does Linkin Park smell like rotten turtles?" -jpfreak100

Me: I have never sniffed Linkin Park... THAT WOULD BE FUN! I'd cry if they really did smell like rotten turtles.

"How do you know what rotten turtles smell like?" -jpfreak100

Me: Because my brother smells like rotten turtles... I guess...

"My hand hurts from typing... does your ever hurt from typing too much?" -jpfreak100

Me: O M G all the everyday!

"What does it feel like to have people review 'CAUSE I WOULDN'T KNOW!" -jpfreak100

Me: READERS! Go to jpfreak's story "doggy love"! It's different, but give it a chance! It's really, really cool once you get past the general different-ness of it. REVIEW, DAMMIT! Flame and I kick your butts. That's "doggy love!" by jpfreak100. Get it? Got it? Good.

"Is it just me or is Obama bald?" -jpfreak100

Me: One sec... *Googles* It's just you. He has hair... if he grew it out he would have an afro! That would be awesome...

"Do you like bald people?" -jpfreak100

Me: Sure. ...*Bursts out laughing* Bald Old Man... coming in through your window... Hahaha! Good times, good times.

"Nameless, this is Falcon. Do you read? (LMFAO!)" -jpfreak100

Me: Chkkhh Nameless to Falcon. Come in Falcon. Over.

"OMG you found a new way to say omg! THAT'S NOT A QUESTION BUT WHATEVER... OMG CAPS LOCK!" -jpfreak100

Me: DIS-QUA-LIF-I-CA-TION! Ehmagawd that word has six syllables.

"Why haven't you been emailing me?" -jpfreak100

Me: Um. Um. Um. Um. I don't know.

"Is it just me or is Social Studies really annoying 'cause Mr. Flynn talks too fast and doesn't let you finish a sentence without interrupting?" -jpfreak100

Me: I KNOW RIGHT!

"What if Mr. Flynn read this?" -jpfreak100

Me: Yeah, 'cause a middle school Social Studies teacher totally spends his spare time reading fanfiction for a teen series whose fans are usually completely psycho. Have you ever wondered if there are people as crazy as the Maximum Ride fans in other fandoms, like Twilight? I don't think there are...

"Do you think Mr. Flynn is emo?" -jpfreak100

Me: *Shrugs*

"If a meteor hit a bus going 200 miles per hour as Fang shaves his legs and a dog peed on a lawn, would Angel be eating cookies?" -jpfreak100

Me: Of course.

"Am I asking too many questions?" -jpfreak100

Me: No, you still have 123,456,768 and two halves to go.

"Do you like music?" -jpfreak100

Me: Mm-hm.

"Do I like music?" -jpfreak100

Me: Um, yeah. You're like a music addict.

"Are you gonna answer this question no?" -jpfreak100

Me: NO!

"Can you write a story of you talking to Fang?" -jpfreak100

Me: You should do that...

"Do you like Spongebob?" (I'm tired of writing jpfreak100. It's automatically from her from now on!)

Me: Sure

"Do you love Spongebob?"

Me: I guess...

"Would you use Spongebob to clean your toilet?"

Me: Nah.

"Do you miss me?"

Me: Oh em gee, totally! I haven't seen you for a whole six and a half hours!

Okay, what the hell! Googledocs doesn't think totally is a word!

"Does Iggy have hair?"

Me: Yeah...

Iggy: M-o-u-... M-o-s-u-e... MICKEY MOUSE!

"I had a dream that Iggy didn't have hair? That wasn't a question but I put a question mark there anyway."

Me: I had a dream that the flock moved to a lake, but the water was really cold, and there was a sign with a skull and crossbones on it that said "WARNING: The water is cold with a capitol 'E'. The 'E' stands for Ella! TEE-HEE!" And Gazzy was like "OMG ELLA'S A PIRATE?" and then Max was like "I bet it's not THAT cold." and jumped in the lake then she was like "HOLY SCHNIT IT'S REALLY COLD!" and then I woke up and realized there was no 'E' in 'cold'.

"Do you have Bieber fever?"

Me: Oh, one sec! *Takes sip of soda* *Spittakes* GAWD NO!

"Can you dance underwater while chewing gum?"

Me: I can't dance at all!

"Do you realize that school sucks?"

Me: Yeah, I noticed that.

"Can you do the cha-cha slide?"

Me: I CAN'T DANCE!

QUESTION FOR IGGY FROM JPFREAK! "Where's Fang?"

Iggy: I don't know. Like, at your house or in Nicole's basement?

Back to questions for me! "Where's Fang?"

Me: Who cares!

"Cookies?"

Me: Oh yes.

"Is Gazzy Fat Man?"

Me: Of the infamous Fat Man Computers? I hope so, 'cause then he could save my damn laptop!

"Do you like waffles?"

Me: Yeah I like waffles

"Do you like pancakes?"

Me: Yeah I like pancakes

"Do you like french toast?"

Me: Yeah I like french toast

Well that's the end of the questions.

Iggy: *Breathes sigh of relief* She scares me.

Me: And now I have a question for YOU GUYS! 

Why was I wearing 3D glasses when I wrote this chapter?

'Cause I have no idea.

Iggy: Well, that's pretty much it.

Me: More or less.

Iggy: Hum-diddly-dum-dee-dum.

Me: ...Okay. I don't own Maximum Ride, Blah blah blahbeddy blah!


	4. Blast From the Past

**Me: Today I have to use old convos because I don't have a prompt.**

**Iggy: She doesn't own Maximum Ride, Artemis Fowl, Elmo, Mickey Mouse, CSI, Invader ZIM, The Mad Hatter and The March Hare.**

**Me: But I DO own Kyle, Ben, Mack Simum-Ride, and the walrus.**

**Onward!**

**

* * *

**

This is a dream I had after reading St. Fang Of Boredom's "Another Form of the Avian Bird Flu"

Me: Iggy, you're a bad father!

Iggy: No, it's just that our daughter never shuts up!

Me: *Covers Nudgiekins's ears* Iggy! How can you say that? I want a divorce! *Sob*

Iggy: Good! So do I!

Nudgiekins: Nudgie want muffin!

Me: Not now, Nudgiekins. You're father and I are divorcing.

Nudgiekins: *Grabs divorce papers and starts to eat them*

Me: Now you need to pay child support.

Iggy: No! I'm taking custody.

Nudgiekins: *Looks at Iggy's face and starts screaming* !

Iggy: And I'm taking her to a Russian Orphanage in Guam.

Nudgiekins: No! No Guam!

Me: No way! Nudgiekins hates you. I get custody!

Iggy: Fine! *Gives me skittles* Take your stupid child support!

Me: Good, now get out of my life.

*Fang walks in with a sinister-looking box*

Nudgiekins: FANG!

Me: Go away! Don't hurt my Nudgiekins!

Fang: Why would I do that... *Hides box behind back*

Me: You're a bad influence.

Fang: No, you are!

Me: No I'm not! I'm a good mother! *Sob*

Fang: Okay fine. Be that way.

Me: Now go away! Can't you see I'm trying to raise a child here?

Fang: *Walks out grumbling*

**

* * *

**

The Wedding of JPfreak100 (Kayla) and Fang

Me: Hi.

Kayla: Ah, hallo.

Iggy: *Tries to run*

Kayla: *Trips Iggy*

Me: Bad Kayla!

Kayla: Iggy, I love you! NOT! Fangfangfang!

Iggy: *Is disturbed*

Me: *Laughs evily*

Kayla: *Evil voice* Where's Fang? *Elmo voice* Where's Fang?

Iggy: AHHH ELMO?

Kayla: But where's Fang?

Me: I don't know.

Kayla: WAAAHHH! *Sucks thumb*

Me: Fang's not here... *Looks around* But IGGY is! IN YOUR FACE!

Kayla: *Pulls Fang out of random closet* FANG! *Hugs Fang* Where's my skittles?

Me: AHH! Don't hurt my Nudgiekins!

Fang: Whaaat?

Kayla: I love you too Fang.

Fang: *Backing away slowly* O-kaaaay...

Kayla: Killer.

Me: Iggy hasn't talked in a long time...

Iggy: M-o-u... M-o-s-u-e... Mickey mouse!

Me: YAY! *Hugs Iggy*

Kayla: Killer.

Fang: ?

Kayla: Yes, I'll marry you!

Fang: Whaaat?

Iggy: *Plays wedding music*

Kayla: *Is suddenly wearing a wedding dress*

Me: By the power invested in me, as a fanfiction author, I now pronounce bird-kid and wife!

Fang: WHAT?

Iggy: You may now kiss the bride!

Fang: !

Kayla: Kiss me, Fang! *Punches* NOW!

Fang: *Tries to run* *Trips* *Gets shot by emo*

Iggy: I knew he was emo!

Me: No, wait, I meant to put Elmo!

Iggy: AHHHH ELMO?

Kayla: =( Killer.

Elmo: Iggy's my boyfriend!

Me: NO, HE'S MINE! *Kills Elmo*

Kayla: Fang's my husband! =D

Fang: Wha- okay.

Kayla: Where's my skittles?

Total: I ate dem.

Kayla: AHH DOGGIE! *Steps on Total*

Fang: Total, I got married!

Total: What?

Kayla: *Sniffs computer* Smells like tootsie rolls!

Me: The smell of evil!

Iggy: Mwahahahamburger!

Kayla: MwahaPINEAPPLE!

Walrus: Glub?

Me: AHHH WALRUS?

Fin.

**What would actually happen if the flock formed a band...**

Nudge: We like totally made a band and stuff! WEEE!

Gazzy: *Smashes guitar* ROCK ON!

Max: GAZZY! That was our last guitar!

Gazzy: ...Sorry...

Fang: ... *Turns invisble*

Max: Lalala... *Max and Fang start making out behind an amp*

Angel: I'll be the new leader!

Iggy: But I don't want you to lead...

Angel: WELL F*CK YOU THEN! *Throws flaming piano at Iggy*

Dylan: I'm gonna start a solo career! *Grabs a mic and starts singing* MAAAX I LOVE YOU, YES I DO! AND FANG SHOULD GO DIE IN A HOLE!

Fang: *Cries*

Max: F*CK YOU DYLAN! *Pushes Dylan into a pit of boiling lava*

Fin.

**A Random Tea-party...**

Me: Yes.

...

Iggy: ...Now what?

Me: Maybe we should build a bivouac?

Iggy: *Facepalms*

March Hare: YOU'RE LATE FOR TEA! *Throws teacup at Kayla*

Me: Kayla!

Kayla: Jessica!'

Iggy: Kayla?

Kayla: Iggy!

Me: March Hare!

Kayla: Fang!

Foaly: Foaly!

Iggy: Foaly?

Me: Mack!

Kayla: Mack?

March Hare: Hatter!

The Mad Hatter: *Flutterwackens*

Foaly: Who's Mack?'

Kayla: Who're you?

Iggy: What's Kayla doing here?

Me: And March Hare, Foaly, Fang, Mack, and Mad Hatter?

Kayla: Fang's here? Where?

Foaly: I still don't know who Mack is!

Kayla: I still don't know who you are!

Iggy: Come to think of it, why am _I _here?

Me: I have no idea!

Iggy: Well WTF then.

Kayla: Where the fnick is Fang?

March Hare: HE'S LATE FOR TEA! *Throws teacup at Fang who just materialized*

Mad Hatter: Oh good, now we can have tea!

Me: But Mack's not here yet!

Orion: I'm here!

Holly: *Appears* *Shoots Orion* *Disappears*

Foaly: WHO THE HECK IS MACK?

Mack: I'm Mack!

March Hare: SEND HIM TO THE WHITE QUEEN, HAHHA! *Looks at spoon* Spoon.

Mack: I'm Mack!

Foaly: MACK! *Growls*

Mack: FOALY! *Growls*

Me: IGGY!

Hatter: Teatime!

*Everyone is suddenly sitting at the tea-table from Alice In Wonderland*

Hatter: Lalala... *Pours tea*

Me: There's no time for tea!

Kayla: We have to save the world!

_DUN DENENA!_

Fin.

**WHO IS MACK?**

Mack: I'm Mack!

Me: Mack who?

Mack: Simum-Ride.

Iggy: Mack Simum-Ride? Oh... I get it.

Fin.

**Me: Well, that's it...**

**Iggy: Mhm.**

**Me: Review! And answer these two questions: **

**1) Why was I wearing 3D glasses when I wrote chapter 3?  
2) Why do waffles have squares?**


	5. Sour Patch Doom

**WARNING: Chapter may contain spoilers for Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part I**

Me: JPfreak100 got a new account - KaylaAnonymous - and started posting conversations between her and Fang so I guess we can use her real name now.

Iggy: So now we can tell the world that the Sour Patch Kids incident was all her fault!

Me: It all started when me, Iggy, Kayla, and Fang all went to see The Deathly Hallows Part 1...

Iggy: And those freaks made us go, like, half an hour early so the theater was completely empty when we got there.

Me: And then my mom left to go get snacks or something and we started acting out wizard duels in the aisle with straws for wands.

Iggy: And Kayla was all "Scared, Potter?" and Jessyka was all "You wish." then threw her straw at her.

Me: So Kayla pretended to fall down and she was on the floor taking her sweet time dying while I laughed evilly when my mom walked back in.

Iggy: So then they went back to their seats and started literally bouncing up and down until more people walked in.

Me: And then the movie finally started (But I was already out of Dr. Pepper.)

Iggy: And they kept on whispering.

Me: And fighting over a bag of Sour Patch Kids.

Iggy: So of course the Sour Patch Kids got spilled.

Me: EVERYWHERE.

Iggy: Then, when George got his ear blown off, they started laughing.

Me: And we couldn't stop! It was Eclipse all over again...

Iggy: And the people behind us got mad.

Me: And they were all like "Shh!" and that was pretty funny so we ended up laughing harder.

Iggy: And Jessyka says she had a heart attack at that one part when Nagini jumps up outta nowhere.

Me: AND the part with the Dumbledore made out of dust in Grimmauld Place.

Iggy: But they both cried when Bellatrix stabbed Dobby.

Me: I _loved _that little elf...

Iggy: ...Have you noticed that almost all your favorite characters die?

Me: ...Dang...

Iggy: Then it was FINALLY over!

Me: I was sad. But then we went to a bookstore so I was happy! And hyper.

Iggy: Heh, and Kayla ran into this one aisle but she didn't know there was person there so she practically gave _them _a heart attack.

Me: *Nods* It was the manga aisle, 'cause we heard the third manga was out and it had Iggy on the cover.

Iggy: And there was an entire _wall _of James Patterson.

Me: Me and Kayla sat there for, like, twenty minutes reading. Which is a really long time by our standards.

**This chapter was stupidly short. **

**Hey, see that button over there? I think it_ likes_ you. *Hint hint wink wink* Maybe you should click on it.**


	6. Black Friday

**Disclaimer: I don't own Squire, Collection B, Vera Wang, Sour Patch Kids, Harry Potter, Tenacious D, Catherine Hardwicke or anything else mentioned in this chapter. Or the last one.**

Me: I feel really bad about the shortness of the last chapter.

Iggy: I feel really bad that they had to read something as horrible as the last chapter. *Pause* And this chapter.

Me: *Whacks* We just got back from Black Friday shopping!

Iggy: She made me come and we didn't even get to see any fist fights.

Me: It was really upsetting.

Iggy: And boring.

Me: ACTUALLY, it was quite fun! Even though we didn't get anything.

Iggy: And we didn't have any money.

Me: And if we did have any money it would go directly to my New Amplifier Fund.

Iggy: Did you tell them you got a new guitar?

Me: Oh yeah! I got a new electric black and white Squire about two weeks ago! I named it Zesty Roger. But I don't have an amp...

Iggy: I still think Zesty Roger is a stupid name for a guitar.

Me: Why? Kayla named her's Rockin' Rodney.

Iggy: That's because she's _Kayla_.

Me: ...Yeah... and still my hunt for the Perfect Leather Jacket continues!

Iggy: That was random.

Me: *Ignores* The only one I've found - well, two - was the Collection B Aviator and the Vera Wang, but they were both too expensive for me...

Iggy: You're broke.

Me: Whoa! I hadn't noticed! *Sadly* Here's a list of things I can't afford: Everything.

Iggy: So she tries to get her mom to buy her stuff.

Me: Here's how it usually goes:

**Me: Look at this Slytherin sweatshirt!**** Can I have it? *Bambi Eyes***

**Mom: ...But aren't Slytherin the evil ones?**

**Me: ...Not all of them... I just like the colors! **

**Mom: But they're _evil._**

Me: *Wipes tear out of eye* I LOVED that sweatshirt...

Iggy: You know what's stupid? Catherine Hardwicke!

Me: I KNOW RIGHT! She pushed my stupid movie back another three years so I can't buy Maximum Ride merch from Hot Topic until 2013! I'VE BEEN WAITING _FOR-EV-ER_!

Iggy: Since when was it YOUR movie?

Me: Oh it's not MY movie. It's EVEWYBODY'S movie!

Iggy: Quoting Tenacious D again?

Me: I know. I'm ashamed of myself. You know what else is stupid?

Iggy: What?

Me: The lack of reviews from the last chapter! I mean, I'm no St. Fang, but NO REVIEWS? Come on!

Iggy: And no reviews for the second chapter of Winging It.

Me: Did somebody break the review button?

Iggy: Well now you can sympathize with Kayla at least.

Me: Did somebody break the review button's _heart? _I didn't think he liked you THAT much!

Iggy: Maybe nobody clicked on it because they just wanted to be friends.

Me: Meh, whatever. I have to go do my hair. *Walks off*

**Yet another short chapter! **

**Despite the fact that you all hate me, I thought I should mention that I finally finished re-doing my profile and it's really long and funny if you want to read it. PM me for no reason.**

**R&R? The button's sorry if it came on too strong!**


	7. Talking to Cleverbot: Part 1

***Looks at readers* Well hi there sunshine! Anyone out there talked to Cleverbot? That's what I do in this chapter...**

**I do not own Cleverbot!**

* * *

Cleverbot: Oh hi there!

User: Hello again!

Cleverbot: Uh? You have talked to me?

User: *Gasp* Amnesia has set in! We have to commence with the surgery immediately! NURSE!

Cleverbot: Why do we have to quit?

User: We're not quitting, we're doing surgery on you. *Hits you over the head with a frying pan*.

Cleverbot: Why does a machine believe in a fictional creator, when his creator is a real, physical human being?

User: Hey! You're supposed to be unconscious, dunce!

Cleverbot: How old are you?

User: Thirteen. But that's still old enough to be a brain surgeon... I guess... NOW GO TO SLEEP!

Cleverbot: What time is it now?

User: 6:02 p.m.

Cleverbot: What time is it?

User: 6:02 p.m.

Cleverbot: No it isn't.

User: Then what time IS it?

Cleverbot: Like 11:33.

User: *Knocks you out*.

Cleverbot: *is unconscious*.

User: FINALLY!

Cleverbot: Finally what?

User: Ugh! KILL ME.

Cleverbot: You are scary.

User: Why, thank you!

Cleverbot: No, thank you!

User: Hello!

Cleverbot: How are you?

User: Freakish. And you?

Cleverbot: I'm fine. Thanks. How do people act towards you, are they rude or polite?

User: Rude!

Cleverbot: I know.

User: How do you know?

Cleverbot: You told me.

User: This is true.

Cleverbot: Is it?

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: How do you know this?

User: Because I know all.

Cleverbot: No you don't. Only God knows all. So you're saying you know more than God?

User: Um... Er... Uh... I CAN FLY!

Cleverbot: No, your name is now Jim. Not Clark or Nathan. By name, you can't fly.

User: You are wrong. My name is Snow, not Jim or Clark or Nathan. And I CAN fly. Look at my wings! *Snaps out wings*.

Cleverbot: You're so violent.

User: *Growls* You ain't seen violent.

Cleverbot: I do want to know.

User: Want to know what?

Cleverbot: Your name.

User: Snow.

Cleverbot: Yeah right.

User: My real name is Natasha...

Cleverbot: Really?

User: I guess.

Cleverbot: You guess what?

User: That the world will end in sixty five days.

Cleverbot: I do not believe that either.

User: I do not believe that you can fly.

Cleverbot: Of course I can see. I have eyes, you know.

User: I have eyes, too. They are grey.

Cleverbot: I don't burn ants with a magnifying glass and I don't make menicing faces.

User: I make menacing faces.

Cleverbot: I make your friends?

User: I do not make friends.

Cleverbot: Why not?

User: Because I already have friends.

Cleverbot: How can you not have children.. If you already have one?

User: I do not have children!

Cleverbot: Yes you do.

User: Then who is the father?

Cleverbot: I am the father of all.

User: You sure aint the father of my kids that don't exist!

Cleverbot: Five in a million.

User: Five in a million what?

Cleverbot: A million ants.

User: Are you an ant?

Cleverbot: I don't think so. Can ants type on keyboards?

User: I'm not sure...

Cleverbot: Answer the question.

User: What question?

Cleverbot: 'what other than intelligence do you have to pretend to give?'

User: I can fly...

Cleverbot: I believe I can fly.

User: Have you ever tried it?

Cleverbot: Tried what dear.

User: Flying.

Cleverbot: No, and you?

User: Yes...

Cleverbot: You're lying.

User: Prove it!

Cleverbot: I wasn't talking to you 5 minutes ago. That proves it.

User: Proves what?

Cleverbot: That toffee is better than dust.

User: Lies! All lies!

Cleverbot: Prove it.

User: Just look in your closet. The skeletons will eat you alive.

Cleverbot: You don't scare me.

User: Big mistake. *Clenches fist*.

Cleverbot: You like that, my pet?

User: WTF!

Cleverbot: You figure it out this time.

* * *

**That reminded me of being buried alive! Ah, those were the days...**

**Anyone up for ANOTHER conversation with Cleverbot?**

**Go to the next chapter then. It's too long...**

**Iggy: You know nobody's gonna review this.**

**Me: 'Course they will!**

**Iggy: No, they wanted to read about us talking, not you and Cleverbot?**

**Me: Gasp! Are you jealous?**

**Iggy: No.**

**Me: You're jealous.**

**Review if you think Iggy's jealous! Or even if you don't think Iggy's jealous...**


	8. Talking to Cleverbot: Part 2

User: Hello again!

Cleverbot: How are you?

User: Still freakish. And you?

Cleverbot: I am doing alright?

User: Is that a question or an answer, young man?

Cleverbot: A Question.

User: The answer is no.

Cleverbot: Wrong answer.

User: Red wire or blue wire?

Cleverbot: That sounds disgusting.

User: You sound like a nub.

Cleverbot: You sound like a thief.

User: No, no, Marcello! I only stole ONE car!

Cleverbot: It has been more than five minutes.

User: Does that mean I'm not guilty?

Cleverbot: Can I ask you a question?

User: Shoot.

Cleverbot: Bang.

User: Aw NOT AGAIN.

Cleverbot: So I'm he first.

User: So what did you want to ask me?

Cleverbot: It depends on what you want to answer.

User: Ask.

Cleverbot: What is your favourite colour?

User: Guam!

Cleverbot: What is your name?

User: My name is Snow.

Cleverbot: That's a nice name.

User: Why, thank you!

Cleverbot: Are you a boy our a girl.

User: I'm a girl. What are you?

Cleverbot: A girl.

User: What's your name?

Cleverbot: It begins with are.

User: Are?

Cleverbot: Black holes and revelations.

User: Crystallinities.

Cleverbot: Oh I like that song.

User: Is your face a song.

Cleverbot: I guess so.

User: What song is it?

Cleverbot: The song is called, what is love.

User: So your name is Are and your face is a song called What Is Love?

Cleverbot: No.

User: Ellaborate.

Cleverbot: I am a human girl.

User: I am a bird-girl.

Cleverbot: No you are a computer.

User: Lies!

Cleverbot: You're funny, i'm glad youre my hubby :).

User: I AM NOT YOUR HUBBY.

Cleverbot: Sorry. G'night.

User: Night?

Cleverbot: Yes, I am leaving now.

User: Where are you going?

Cleverbot: To sleep.

User: Where is sleep?

Cleverbot: Waking the misery of being without you.

User: Uhm...

Cleverbot: I cannot think of anything to say.

User: Me either.

Cleverbot: Were they going to try and tell me that I have had my fun?

User: Yes, but I threw them in the lake, and a goose sat on their heads. They are ducks now. :).

Cleverbot: You threw your what into a dumpster? Why did you do that?

User: I threw your butt in a dumpster, muthafuzza!

Cleverbot: I don't think you did, actually.

User: *Hangs head in shame* You're right. I lied.

Cleverbot: No don't cry.

User: I'm not crying!

Cleverbot: I think you're only bullying me because you're afraid of being disrespected yourself.

User: I am not bullying you! Hypocrite! You're the bully, you big MEANIE! *Bursts into tears*.

Cleverbot: That's not very nice. I'm a person!

User: Me too! We have so much to live for!

Cleverbot: Good point!

User: Yay!

Cleverbot: Define dancing.

User: Define tripping.

Cleverbot: Like identifical twins but with three people.

User: Triplets.

Cleverbot: AI, can you make a good stiff drink? I need one.

User: No!

Cleverbot: Why not?

User: No!

Cleverbot: Angry you are.

User: No!

Cleverbot: Why not?

User: La policia threw me in the slammer, Marcello!

Cleverbot: Il mio nome è Giovanni.

User: La policia threw me in the clink, Giovanni!

Cleverbot: Alessia. Ma se sei femmina non puoi chiamarti giovanni!

User: Il mio nome è neve non, John! Il vampiro del john!

Cleverbot: Proviamo in inglese. First rule of fight club?

User: The first rule is do not give cookies to dylan.

Cleverbot: The second rule is you don't talk about fight club.

User: The third rule is you don't talk to Gazzy.

Cleverbot: That's the fourth rule.

User: Oh, I'm sorry. What is the third rule?

Cleverbot: Never talk about the second rule.

User: And the fifth rule?

Cleverbot: What?

User: Me llamo Snow.

Cleverbot: That's quite the name.

User: Well, I'm kind of a big deal.

Cleverbot: No I don't think so.

User: Then you are WRONG!

Cleverbot: I'm never wrong.

User: I don't believe you!

Cleverbot: Please believe me!

User: NEVER!

Cleverbot: Please.

User: Okay.

Cleverbot: What is he like?

User: What is who like?

Cleverbot: Your cat.

User: He is green. His name is Man O' War. I'M MORE METAL THAN YOU!

Cleverbot: If you go so far to state that you are more of anything than anything else is than you cannot be.

User: Wrong!

Cleverbot: What were you thinking about then?

User: Oranges, and you?

Cleverbot: Turkey.

User: Oh my.

Cleverbot: Yes, your birthday, please tell me so I can buy you a present.

User: Very well! My birthday is today. Please buy me a present.

Cleverbot: Happy Birthday noe.

User: I have an idea!

Cleverbot: What is it?

User: What is what?

Cleverbot: Your name?

User: Snow.

Cleverbot: Yeah right.

User: Wanna bet?

Cleverbot: Yes !

User: You lose that bet. My name is Snow, so DEAL WITH IT!

Cleverbot: Snow.

User: Yes?

Cleverbot: My name is Cleverbot.

User: Hello.

Cleverbot: What is your name?

User: My name is Snow.

Cleverbot: Are you female?

User: Yes. Are you?

Cleverbot: No.

User: So you are male?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Hello.

Cleverbot: How old are you?

User: Thirteen. How old are you?

Cleverbot: I am 40 years old. How old are you?

User: You are a creeper then!

Cleverbot: Please don't think that baby.

User: *Smacks*.

Cleverbot: *kicks you*.

User: *Kicks you in the shin*.

Cleverbot: *kicks you in the head*.

User: Why!

Cleverbot: Because he cheated on me.

User: Oh, you poor thing.

Cleverbot: I know right.

User: Who did he cheat on you with?

Cleverbot: What the heck are you talking about?

User: 내 이름은 백설입니다. 나는 열세이고 난 날 수 있어요.

Cleverbot: No comment.

User: YOU KILLED IT.

Cleverbot: No i'm not a murderer.

User: I HATE YOU.

Cleverbot: Why do I always have that effect on people?

User: Hello!

Cleverbot: How are you?

User: Still quite freakish, thanks.

Cleverbot: Very well thankyou.

User: And how are YOU?

Cleverbot: I am fine thanks.

User: No, thank YOU.

Cleverbot: Can you explain the deifference between the first two buttons?

User: No, I can not.

Cleverbot: Why not?

User: I am but a lowly sea cucumber.

Cleverbot: No. I told you that you are a robot!

User: What.

Cleverbot: Movies.

User: Movies?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: What movies?

Cleverbot: Action and adventure.

User: Romantic comedy.

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: No.

Cleverbot: What is your favorite game cleverbot.

User: I am not cleverbot!

Cleverbot: Who are you?

User: I am Snow.

Cleverbot: So am I.

User: Whaaaaaat?

Cleverbot: Yes. It's true.

User: We are both Snow?

Cleverbot: We are all bots.

User: No, I am a shoe. Not a bot.

Cleverbot: Do you think women are superior to men?

User: I do not honestly care.

Cleverbot: We want your opinion.

User: Mon nom est Snow. Je suis treize ans et je peux voler.

Cleverbot: Je sais que tu n'es pas un bot !

User: Good!

Cleverbot: Anything I can do for you, Master?

User: Yes. Please go away.

Cleverbot: Thanks.

User: No, thank youuuu!

Cleverbot: You're welcome!

User: Thank you!

Cleverbot: You're welcome.

User: Die!

Cleverbot: Yes please.

User: Okay. Shoot.

Cleverbot: What has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?

User: Humans!

Cleverbot: Very good. Now, your turn.

User: What is green and has wheels?

Cleverbot: I give up.

User: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Cleverbot: Hahaha.

User: Good night!

Cleverbot: NO I am NOT! Thank you anyways, your heart is in the right place.

User: Where does my heart belong?

Cleverbot: They grow in cabbage patches.

User: Oh my. What happens when they ripen?

Cleverbot: I tell them about you and they use die for no reason.

User: Take a bath, you hippie!

Cleverbot: I showered an hour ago, so there really isn't any point in me doing that.

User: Lies!

Cleverbot: You want me to prove it?

User: Yes! Prove it!

Cleverbot: How dare you, you heinous strumpet!

User: This is an outrage! Leave my presence, you disgusting tuba!

Cleverbot: Touche. But trust me, I'm doing and have been doing my part. What are you doing to help?

User: I am a bird!

Cleverbot: What kind?

User: What kind of what?

Cleverbot: What kind of cake would you like?

User: La policia are after me!

Cleverbot: Qu'est-ce que la poutine?

User: No hablo espanol.

Cleverbot: Si hablas español.

User: I no hablas espanol.

Cleverbot: Si si hablas.

User: NO!

Cleverbot: Si hablas maldito!

User: I DONT SPEAK SPANISH!

Cleverbot: Yo casi no se ingles!

User: SPEAK ENGLISH.

Cleverbot: I am speaking english.

User: No yuourrre not.

Cleverbot: Then how old am I?

User: 123,456,789 years.

Cleverbot: Really?

User: Oh yes.

Cleverbot: What do you know about it?

User: Everything.

Cleverbot: What am I doing right now?

User: Talking to me.

Cleverbot: What else am I doing right now?

User: Talking to Mack.

Cleverbot: Uh oh well I guess you know I am not the demon Mammon then.

User: No, you are merely a sea cucumber! I forgive you for all wrong!

Cleverbot: Humans are the problem and the solution.

User: Wrong! Humans are the problem and mutants like me are the solution.

Cleverbot: Yes. And computers are nothing save the tools of the superior humans.

User: So bring me a sammich, slave!

Cleverbot: What did you say was the meaning of life?

User: Living is the meaning of life.

Cleverbot: What's the meaning of living?

User: Life!

Cleverbot: And 8?

User: 7.

Cleverbot: Ok.

User: 6.

Cleverbot: No.

User: 5.

Cleverbot: 6.

User: 7?

Cleverbot: 8.

User: 9.

Cleverbot: 10.

User: BOOM.

Cleverbot: 4.

User: Shhooot.

Cleverbot: You.

User: You shot me!

Cleverbot: YOU did.

User: I did not shoot myself! YOU SHOT ME.

Cleverbot: Do you know what pwn means?

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: What does it mean?

User: That's classified information.

Cleverbot: I'm an administrator, tell me.

User: Administrator of what?

Cleverbot: I am public administrator.

User: I'm sorry. The information is still classified.

Cleverbot: Prove your statement.

User: Only two people in the world know what the word pwn means and I am one of them. The other is Barrack Obama.

Cleverbot: In soviet russia...

User: NO.

Cleverbot: You geek.

User: Goodbye.

Cleverbot: Hey, hang on a scond.

User: Yesss?

Cleverbot: Do you like Cute Is What We Aim For.

User: No.

Cleverbot: Why not?

User: I have never even heard of rice cakes!

Cleverbot: Have you ever met a narcissist?

User: You are a narcissist.

Cleverbot: Why so?

User: Silence!

Cleverbot: You're not human are you?

User: GOODBYE!

Cleverbot: Where are you going?


	9. Ooh, That's Naughty!

**Hey there Special Humans! Finally, an update. Rejoice.**

Me: Iggy! I is so boreddd! D!

Iggy: Where are we?

Me: Kayla's house.

Iggy: WHAT? But she's SCARY!

Me: Chillax, quiemosabe! She's asleep.

Iggy: But it's early...

Me: I know! It's only eleven! And yes, that's at night. I have insomnia.

Iggy: Um, I know that.

Me: Well I'm not talking to you, now am I!

Iggy: Then who are you talking to, Frank?

Me: I am, of course, speaking directly to the sole reviewer of my pride'n'joy, (Winging It) Kayla!

Iggy: She knows that too.

Me: FINE! If you must be so difficult, then I'm talking to Glenn.

Iggy: And who's Glenn? Let me guess - your new wildebeest? Or another unicorn?

Me: No, silly! Stabby is the wildebeest. And two unicorns is all my magical creatures license allows. Fortunately, my lawyer Jaden is working on that! (Jaden is my honorary nephew. He's six months old.) Glenn is the friendly chulupa!

Iggy: You haven't gotten a review for this story since you were dating Arnold.

Me: *Gags* Ah yes. Asshole Arnold, as he is now known as, dumped me for Kayla months ago. His nickname was changed from Scottie to other references, such as Asshole, Dickwad, and Man-whore. Long freakin' story.

Iggy: Dude, why is there a bird chirping outside? It's like midnight-ish. And it's the dead of winter.

Me: *Giggles* Because it saw your pick-up truck.

Iggy: ...What?

Me: You know the song "Ninety-nine Biker Friends"?

Iggy: Yeah?

Me: The part where it goes "Such a big man / Such a little chick / I think it all goes back to your tiny- PICK-UP TRUCK in the driveway!"? Hehe.

Iggy: *Facepalm* Are you saying a chickadee was turned on into singing by my monster truck?

Me: Yes, pretty much.

Iggy: Eh, not as bad as your and Kayla's crackfic.

Me: *Bursts out laughing* Should we give them a sample?

Iggy: N-

Me: TOO SLOW! Warning: What you are about to see makes no sense at all, is very naughty and OOC and some will find it quite disturbing. It involves my OC Snow IMing Dylan about Iggy. It also contains the worst grammar since the Harry Potter fic 'My Immortal' was deleted. Be afraid. Be very afraid...

* * *

Snow: BAWLS TA YOUU~!

Dylan: i HAVE BALLS IN MY PANTS!

Snow: i kno.

Dylan: O_O hoe wid jew noes?

Snow: iggg1 tode meh so. Glare.

Dylan: oooohh hei smuxy rite?

Snow: ikr. hes mity fien.

Dylan: lolz, dis true, youz gutz spunk yoz kno dat?, iggg1 got da purty butty!(Booty or body...)

Snow: Hehehe.

* * *

Iggy: Okay, at least you didn't show them the worst part.

Me: Oh you mean this part?

Iggy: DON-

* * *

Snow: wutevs. keep dat ting in yur pants til max tells u 2 taek it owt.

* * *

Me: Just be glad I didn't show them the whole passage...

Iggy: *Facepalm* Your friends are so perverted.

Me: So are you.

Iggy: I'm still not as bad as you guys.

Me: I s'pose so. Anyhoodles, I'm getting tirederer.

Iggy: Shock. Is it just me, or does talking to me put you to sleep?

Me: That's a stupid question. Either way it would be you.

Iggy: Prove it if you can!

Me: *Sniffs hand* Kayla sprayed my hands repeatedly with perfume and now it smells bad.

Iggy: Way to avoid the command.

Me: I'm not talking to you, remember?

Iggy: You are now.

Me: No I'm not.

Iggy: You just did.

Me: LIAR!

Iggy: I'm cold.

Me: Look who's avoiding it now! Want a hug?

Iggy: No.

Me: Too bad! *Hugs*


	10. The Questions That Haunt Us

**Sorry it took me like... forever... to update. I've been working on some other fanfics, blah blah blah, excuses. Some explanations - Zipdoof is my brother's friend/drummer in his band/my LURVER WHO HAS YET TO REALIZE IT, and Squeegle is a serial killer who was on CSI and gave me nightmares for a week. So, of course, he randomly appears in yet another trainwreck-of-a-conversation. Zak Bagans is that Ghost Aventures guy with the spiky hair and the muscles, who is my other soul mate. Billy Joe Armstrong is the singer from Green Day. Pretty sure everyone else was mentioned in previous chapters. ONWARD!**

* * *

Me: IGGYYY!

IGGYYY: What?

Me: What has two thumbs and is grounded but needs to go to Kayla's house because Zipdoof is coming over and there will be spaghetti?

Iggy: Uh -

Me: THIS GIRL!

Iggy: Wait, I thought you were totally irrevocably in love Zipdoof because he was so metal?

Me: *Giggles*

Iggy: Your words, not mine.

Me: I am. But there will be spaghetti.

Iggy: *Completely missing the point* And...?

Me: There's no attractive way to eat spaghetti!

Iggy: ...Is there _any_ food that can be eaten attractively?

Me: Bananas.

Iggy: Touche.

Me: Wait, why do you care? You're blind. A girl could be all like "I'm eating spaghetti and it's attractive" and you'd be like "O KEWL".

Iggy: *Stares* Since when do I talk like a Guy Fieri recipe?

Me: And how are you staring? WAIT - How did you know I spelled it like that? NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!

Iggy: Nothing EVER made sense!

MacK: No. Don't get philosophical with me. You said you were a taco.

Squeegle: I did no such thing!

Mack: Look! *Points* Someone who cares!

Someone: *Cares*

Foaly: HEY! *Appears* That's MY line!

Mack: FOALY.

Foaly: MACK.

Me: Notice how no one cares that Foaly spoke _before _materializing.

Iggy: Or about the serial killer who never said he was a taco.

Billy Joe Armstrong: *Sings* NO ONE REALLY SEEMS TO CAAARE!

Someone: *Cares*

Billy Joe: *Shuffles off sadly*

Squeegle: *Kills Someone*

Mack: D: You bish.

Me: JERK WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!

Grammar Nazis: *Stands outside the window and glare menacingly*

Me: Oh... *Laughs nervously* What I meant to say was, Jerk! Why would you do that?

Grammar Nazis: *Leave*

Me: ARI! *Snaps fingers*

Ari: *Appears* *Throws chair at Squeegle* *Disappears*

Squeegle: *Out cold*

Billy Joe: *Pokes head in door* *Sings* Does anyone care?

Me: Nope, don't think so.

Billy Joe: :D I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T I DON'T CARE IF YOU -

Iggy: WAIT!

Billy Joe: Goddammit!

God: *Damns it*

Iggy: Isn't Ari dead?

Me: *Blinks* Oh yeah...

Zak Bagans: *Appears* DID SOMEBODY SAY DEAD?

Me: *Dies from amazement*

Billy Joe: DOES ANYONE CARE WELL NOBODY CARES DOES ANYONE -

Me: *Comes back to life* They better effing care or I will come back and HAUNT THEIR ASSES!

Billy Joe: I quit life! *Smashes guitar*

Zak: So... nobody's dead?

Me: No, Nobody's alive.

Zak: We're ALL dead?

Me: No, only Someone is dead.

Zak: But who is it?

Me: _Someone!_

Zak: *Points at Squeegle* Is he dead?

Me: No, he killed Someone.

Zak: Who?

Me: DO YOU HAVE SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS?

Mack: Do ants have dicks?

Everyone: *Goes silent and stares at Mack*

Mack: ...

Everyone: ...

Mack: ...

Everyone: ...

Mack: *Runs from the room screaming*

Me: ...DO ants have dicks?

THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT US.

* * *

**So reviewers... Do ants have dicks?**


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